dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
