Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
