i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
