oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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