i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
