You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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