3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
