Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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