Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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