So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
