you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
