i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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