WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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