Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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