Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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