Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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