"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
and you fell through a lawn chair
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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