morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
