Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
