I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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