theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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