Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
