i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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