I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
