I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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