I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I could fuck to npr.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize