Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
