Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
