My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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