There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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