just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
