i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
