Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Holy sore nipples Batman
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