I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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