Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
