he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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