Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
