Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
