I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
