My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
