it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i barfeds in our rink
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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