I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
