as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
FUCK WHALES
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