I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
