the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
