I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Randomize
