She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you inspire me to be a worse person
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
