I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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