I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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