nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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