Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
