he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Operation Purity has been aborted
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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