she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize