I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
