life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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