Will you blow on my dice?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
